Losing It All
by esprit en deuil
Summary: A short songfic about Gibbs' feelings after the death of his wife and daughter. Set pre-series.


_**A/N: Hiya folks! So here is a short little fic I wrote while listening to Voltaire, it is a song fic and the lyrics (in italics) are from the song The Churchyard by Voltaire, the song is so sad and wonderful so I recommend you listen to it. So anyways this fic is set pre-series and it's all about Gibbs really, it features mentions of two canon character deaths but nothing graphic. Thank you to my wonderful beta Finlaure who helped to make this fic that much better and who has always been a big support for me. **_

_**So now on to the fic!**_

_A bell in a churchyard,  
It yells for me to begin.  
And my hands, they tremble and shake.  
While a chill burrows under my skin.  
It rains in the valley,  
It rains from the skies.  
And it's raining deep inside my soul,  
And it pours up and out of my eyes._

This was it.

The rock bottom.

The world and life in general had lost all its meaning as soon as the news had reached him. When he'd gotten the news he'd taken the first flight back to states and made his way home as quickly as humanly possible. Reaching the empty house Gibbs had unlocked the door with shaking hands and rushed inside. Searching through all the rooms while calling their names he searched frantically for any sign of his girls but found nothing.

The house was as empty as he was feeling.

Coming to a dead stop in his daughter's bedroom Jethro saw a picture on the dresser of their once so happy little family and he couldn't hold back anymore. With a yell of pure grief and agony he fell to his knees and there in the middle of the floor he broke down, clutching a fluffy teddy bear he hadn't even realized that he'd grabbed. The little toy that had once been a reminder to a little girl of her daddy who was gone for a while but would be back was now a heartbreaking reminder to the man who had bought it that his little girl would never play with it again. __

Not long ago, you were here in my arms  
And I swore I would protect you from harm  
Now here we are.  
On this hill, 'neath the tree  
In the churchyard at dawn.  
How could we've fallen so far?

Walking into the warm chapel where the viewing was organized was pure torture. The warmth made him wish this would have taken place in the cold sterile morgue, somehow that would have made it easier to keep his emotions in check. As it was it took all he had to keep from falling apart once more as he walked closer to the figures lying so peacefully at the front of the small room.

The official identification had already taken place, but he needed to see his girls before he could believe this nightmare was really real. Somewhere deep in his mind there was a seed of doubt, maybe it wasn't them, maybe there's been a mix up and his girls weren't killed.

Without realizing it, he'd came to a halt in the middle of the room where he couldn't yet see the faces of the two people lying on the slabs, as long as he didn't see he would be able to believe.

The atmosphere in the chapel that any other time would have felt peaceful and calming, was now only adding to his feeling of helplessness. Closing his eyes and swallowing hard he straightened his spine and took a deep breath, he was a marine and he would do this with the composure of one.

Walking the rest of the way to the front of the room in the small, warm room, his world shattered once more.

They really were gone.

So close, but yet forever unreachable. __

The earth is a blood-red clay  
That cakes to my heels.  
And the spade grows heavy as lead,  
But my heart, it is heavier still.  
In a bow there's a raven  
And his eyes fix me with a stare.  
Then he turns and screams at the sky,  
And it burns like the truth in my ears.

He stood there for a long time just looking at the shells of the two people he had loved the most, who he still loved. They were still beautiful in a kind of haunting way and the image of their lifeless forms would forever haunt him.

He looked around to make sure the man who had led him here was not close enough to hear, he pressed a kiss to both of their foreheads and said his goodbyes.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I'm so sorry." He paused for a moment to gather his composer, "I love you so much Shannon, you were and always will be the love of my life. And I'm so proud of you Kells, you were my life. I'll always miss you both so much." No more words were forthcoming as any more would have been too much for him to handle. __

Not long ago, you were here in my arms  
And I swore I would protect you from harm  
Now here we are.  
On this hill, 'neath a tree  
In the churchyard at dusk.  
How could we've fallen so far?

No one should find out how it feels  
Standing here, hoping and praying  
You'll awake from this awful ordeal.  
No one should find out what it's like  
Standing here, digging a hole in which to bury  
Your child and your wife.

He was sitting in his basement with a glass of whiskey in hand, staring into space and doing his damnest not to let the memories overwhelm him like they had been doing for the past days. He looked at the glass in his hand and he couldn't help the bitter smile that twisted his lips as he thought of how much Shannon would have hated seeing him like this. She also would have thought he'd gone crazy since he was drinking whiskey instead of his preferred liquor.

If he drank bourbon now then he would never be able to enjoy his favorite drink again without remembering this night when he had been so low that it seemed impossible to get back up again.

Earlier that day he'd been at the graveyard to view the plot reserved for his girls. The place was beautiful and old graveyard that had a few old trees shadowing the place. There was a spot up a small hill beneath an old oak that reminded Jethro of a place he and Shannon used to go to when they were young and barely fallen in love in Stillwater and were looking for a place where to hide the watchful eyes of their parents.

The spot was perfect. He just wished that the graves could have stayed empty for years to come.__

When they are finished  
They look like wounds on a hill  
Two graves, that lay side by side  
For my life and my lover to fill.

The service was beautiful. There were a lot of people present who had been touch by the two lively and wonderful persons who they were now laying to rest. Shannon's parents were there, as was his father Jackson who had a pretty woman with him, hanging from his arm.

But Jethro couldn't think of him, of how much it hurt that his father would bring a date into an event like this. But somehow it helped, now there was another emotion for him to concentrate on along with the devastation of his loss, he was angry. And as he was left standing by the graveside by himself as the other mourners drifted away, he did his best to let the anger go.

There would be a time and a place for those emotions. This was not it. This was the time to mourn for those closest to him who he'd lost.

His life and his love. The two that mattered most.

_No one should find out how it feels  
Standing here, hoping and praying  
You'll awake from this awful ordeal.  
No one should find out what it's like,  
Standing here, not having the means  
To buy the medicine to save their lives_

Gibbs knew there was nothing he could have done for his loved ones; there was no way for him to stop the murderer who had taken the lives of his wife and daughter. That did not stop him from playing the 'what if game'.

He couldn't have stopped the murder the way things happened, but he wished that he could have somehow changed the circumstances so that instead of being able to do nothing, he would have been able to stop what happened or even make it so that his girls wouldn't have ever been in the situation that started the chain of events that led to their demise. He wished that at least if there wasn't anything for him to do to stop their deaths that life could have been merciful enough to let him be there to go with them.

Unfortunately it wasn't meant to work out like that.

Now standing by the graves that had now been fitted with gravestones that could never describe the effect the two people had had on so many others, he wished he would wake up and find it was all a dream and this emptiness wouldn't be all that was left for him.

He'd spent so much time missing them that the only thoughts had been about joining his girls in the afterlife, but always something stopped him and the thought changed to surviving to the next day when he would start the same process all over again starting from going through the day on autopilot and ending up in the basement with the picture of the three of them and a gun.

But now he had another thought. Mike Franks from NIS had called and asked him to stop by to talk about 'the case', as his loved ones had so impersonally been labeled. He would go and see the man and make sure the drug dealer who had killed his girls would pay the price for his deed.

He looked at the headstones and smiled sadly as he pictured his smiling girls standing in front of him.

"I'll get him for you. I promise. Love you both so much."

He laid the roses that he was holding onto the graves and closed his eyes to stop the moisture of his eyes from spilling over.

He looked at the graves one last time before turning and heading away. He would get the man who did this to his girls.

And then he would be back. And one day the three of them would all lay under the same tree and their little family would be whole again.

Until then he had a job to do.

_**THE END**_


End file.
